Helping Toddlers Cope with Tough Times

My client, Sara, looks miserably at the floor.

‘I don’t know what to do. We went to court and now my ex has my little boy every second weekend.

Every week Jamie’s daddy has to peel him out of my arms when he comes to fetch him.

I can’t stand to let him go.  I hate to see him crying like that every second weekend.‘

Sara knew that Jamie was well cared for by his daddy but, at toddler stage, it made sense he wanted to be with his mummy.

‘What can I do?’

‘I can show you something that might help,’ I said.

For about ten minutes I demo’d a tool for her to use.

Sara came into the session beaming the following week.

‘It worked. I did it. I started about an hour before I knew his daddy was coming. When I got to the end my boy said, “Gen”.   So I did it again.

And when I finished, he said, ”Gen”

He wanted me to keep repeating it.

So I did until his daddy came.

And it’s the first time ever he’s gone with his daddy without any tears. ‘

So what did Sara do that made such a difference?

Structured Doll Play

I invited Sara to choose objects to represent the different persons who are part of this story. It could be little dolls, but teddies or dressed up wooden clothes pegs work equally well.   (If there’s a significant animal in the story, like the family dog, involve him in the story as well. If there’s a vehicle involved – it can be helpful to include that too.)

Use the dolls to act out the scenario that the child is facing.

e.g. Mummy and Jamie eat their lunch (seat the two dolls at a table).

Then Mummy says,

‘Jamie, today is Friday.  Friday is the day Daddy comes to fetch you. We need to pack your suitcase. ‘

Mummy and Jamie go to Jamie’s room. They put Teddy in his case. They put his pyjamas …  etc.  They put the suitcase ready by the door.

Now Mummy sits and reads a book with Jamie.

Then they hear the doorbell. Bing- bong.

‘Oh,’ says Mummy. ‘Daddy’s here to fetch you, Jamie. ‘

(Act out greeting Daddy, saying goodbye to Mummy.)

‘Bye-bye Jamie, Have a lovely time with Daddy.  I’ll see you in two sleeps. ‘

Daddy puts Jamie in the car and straps on his seat belt.  Jamie waves goodbye to Mummy. Daddy drives Jamie to Daddy’s house.

(Tell the story of the pleasant things that are likely to happen at Daddys’ house, using the dolls to act them out).  Include acting out having ‘one sleep’ then after some activity the second ‘sleep’.

Daddy says, ‘Jamie we must drive back to Mummy now. Let’s pack your suitcase.’

Daddy and Jamie pack the suitcase. Daddy puts Jamie in the car and puts on his seatbelt.

‘Now I’m driving you back to mummy’s house,’ Daddy says.

End the story with Daddy bringing Jamie back home, a happy reunion between Mummy and Jamie. Also act out a happy goodbye to Daddy and a ‘See you soon.’

This is a simple tool any parent can use to help a young child cope with an event that may be stressful for the child. It’s helpful because the part of the brain that processes language is not yet fully developed.  Using the props enables the young child to make sense of your words.

If your young child has to visit the dentist or the doctor, start crèche, is going on holiday or needs to cope with any other unfamiliar situation, Structured Doll Play can be a helpful tool.  It can also be used to help the child make sense of something that has already happened that was upsetting/ confusing for the child.

If the child expresses his painful or confused emotions you can acknowledge that, weaving it into the story.

e.g.  Jamie: ‘Jamie don’t like say goodbye Mummy.”

Sara:  (continuing the structured doll play, acts out the conversation with the dolls:

Jamie says he doesn’t like to say goodbye to Mummy.

Mummy gives him a big hug.

You don’t like to say goodbye to me. And you are going to daddy for two sleep.Then you’re going to  say ‘Hello Mummy.’

And Mummy and Jamie will be together again.’

In the weeks that followed, Sara continued to use the structured doll play to prepare Jamie for his weekend at Daddy’s house.

Within a short while, Jamie was acting   out the scenario for himself.

Sara reports that there have been no more tears on parting since they started using this.

Structured Doll Play works because:

- it helps the young child to make sense of his world

- it provides an opportunity for the child to meet and solve a problem, whilst in a secure and emotionally safe environment

- it helps to give the child the language around the experience and his emotional reaction  and thoughts

- when the child understands what is going to happen he has some sense of control within the situation.

A few helpful tips for structured doll play

Tell the story to the child in the present tense, moving the characters to act out the story.

Use direct speech.

Keep each sentence short.

Keep the story simple but as accurate as you can predict.

Tell it in a light-hearted story voice.

Tell the story in a positive, reassuring way, always finishing with the ‘happy-ever-after’ ending.

I’d be delighted to hear your feedback about using structured doll play.

It’s a simple and powerful tool to help toddlers cope with tough times.

Val Mullally - Koemba Parent Coaching 
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