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DanielMat says:
19 jan 2011 | 12:26:50
Hi there I’m a father of 2 wonderful children. Unfortunately, my oldest daughter (5-year-old) is giving us some difficulties. Our younger daughter, who is nearly 4 years old, is an angel. She doesn’t whine, when putted early to bed. She even helps do the dishes, whilst the older one is a bit of a problem child. She won’t listen to anything we have to say, and she acts like we aren’t there. She whines over the littlest things like beans in her dinner (which she, by the way, has eaten before), she hits her sister and can’t keep focus, when we try to learn her something. Her constant wining and hitting on her younger sister, is draining on our energy. We wonder if, we are bad parents – have we done something wrong with our firstborn? Does she have some issues with having a younger sister? Or is she developing some kind of disorder like ADHD?
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Hayley Daniels-Lake says:
19 jan 2011 | 12:33:35
Hi, First off you are not bad parents. If ADHD or other disorders are something you are concerned about have you spoken to her doctor about this? They can assess her and pass her on to a therapist if required. This is something we cannot do online and should be your first point of call as there are ways to help if this is the problem. There are however parenting strategies and ways to cope with her behaviour that we can help with online but I would progress with the assessment first. Hayley
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DanielMat says:
19 jan 2011 | 13:01:19
Hi Hayley Thanks for a quick answer. No, actually we haven’t contacted someone about the problem. Not until now. We just hoped it would be a phase. We should probably contact a doctor soon. But still, we are afraid that she will be diagnosed with ADHD and we would treat her different – blaming everything she does on the fact, that she has this disorder, if you understand?
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Hayley Daniels-Lake says:
19 jan 2011 | 13:11:06
Hi Daniel, Yes I understand but getting her the help she needs is most important at the moment. It will also give peace of mind for you as it may be nothing, if it does turn out to be a particular disorder then at least you know and she can get the help she needs. After this assessment I would be happy to work with you if this is something you were interested in to help you work with her to encourage more positive behaviour and, if needed, to support you to not blame everything on the disorder but the priority right now should be getting her an assessment. Hope this helps Hayley
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Val Mullally says:
19 jan 2011 | 15:20:13
Hi Daniel I hear you saying that your older daughter's behaviour is concerning you. It makes sense, as Hayley suggests, to have a professional assessment if you are concerned that something does not seem within the 'normal' range of children's challenging behaviour. At the same time, why not discover what you as parents can do in everyday parenting that can create the happy home environment you really want? Some issues can be a phase the child is going through, and you will soon see if Parent Coaching can create the difference that you're looking for. As you said, you have two wonderful children. Perhaps you may be interested in joining me in a Mentaline Masterclass 'Managing Anger in the Home' on this Tuesday evening, 25th, at 8 pm http://www.mentaline.com/valmullally/masterclass/35-managing-anger-in-the-home.aspxFor less than the price of a night out at the movies, you'll gain valuable insights and practical tools, and also discuss with like-minded parents. Just click on the webpage to book your seat and then log in a few minutes before 8 on Tuesday evening, to join the discussion. (I also have an audio Parenting CD on the same topic. See http://store.koemba.com/ ) Please feel free to make contact if you'd like more info. My definition of 'whining' - anger trying to escape through a very small space. : ) Val
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DanielMat says:
21 jan 2011 | 14:36:03
Hi Hayley and Val I understand that my child's need comes before my own. Those two girls are the most important people in my world, and therefore my wife and I have decided to take her to get a professional assessment. Although, I’m still not sure whether I should tell my daughter what's going on and why she has to take some tests. Thank you for your great offer, Val, but I think I'll wait with the sessions until we have diagnosed her. - And Hayley as well  Then I know if her behavior is caused by a disorder or not. Daniel
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Hayley Daniels-Lake says:
21 jan 2011 | 16:41:48
Hi Daniel, Thanks for getting back to us and well done for deciding to get the assessment. As for telling your daughter you probably have a better idea of that then we do although maybe Val would be able to advise better on that one? Let us know how the assessment goes and feel free to contact one or both of us after for a session. Good luck!
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Val Mullally says:
21 jan 2011 | 17:18:33
Hi Daniel You obviously take your parenting seriously and are concerned about how this experience will be for your child. From my perspective it's important that you do chat with her beforehand. I would suggest that you ask the practitioner's advice ahead of time as to what s/he would like you to be saying. Where my curiosity lies is what is concerning you that you are wondering about an ADHD assessment? And I encourage you that many of the world's most incredible people tend to fall within the that spectrum. I wonder what assessment /labels therapists might have put on a young Einstein for instance. What I'm hearing is you wanting to connect with her needs. And whatever the cause of behaviour, I'd encourage it's still really important to support her emotional intelligence. If she can communicate how life is for her /what she's experiencing, she has has some of the most helpful tools for dealing effectivley with life, both now and in adulthood! Val
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Val Mullally says:
21 jan 2011 | 17:22:05
Hi Daniel Just a further thought, rather than 'problem child' , I'd invite you to think' - 'My child has a problem'. Having parents who are in her corner is the best help she can have - and you're obviously doing that. All the best - and let us know how things are going.
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Sarah Jones says:
3 mar 2011 | 13:48:07
Hi DanielMat, I know this question was posted a long time ago, but just wanted to add some comments. You may have had a professional assessment by now and have more information and insight - however, I believe that the behaviours your eldest daughter is showing are not anything different than can be expected from some 5 years olds. Many parents often comment on how their children are so very different. I wonder if you already know the answer from your comments - I wonder if your eldest was not very pleased when her sister was born - your eldest had only one year of being the baby in the family before her place was usurped, not just by any child, but by one who behaves beautifully and is known as an angel. Children are incredibly perceptive of our feelings, even if we don't voice them, so I wonder whether your daughter needs affirmation that she is special and loved, just as much as she ever was. Tell her that you know they are different people and you love her just as much as your youngest, whether she behaves herself or not. This is unconditional love and all children need it in order to grow within themselves. It might go against the grain of what you feel like doing and saying, but as the adult, it is for you to break the cycle. Don't wait until she is naughty to tell her - tell her shen she is doing nothing significant. Spend extra time with her, make it special. Make a connection and she may choose not to make life miserable for everyone all the time. Sorry if this sounds a bit like a lecture! It's difficult to do the open question thing on an email forum. How about reading the series of books 'What to expect ....' They do a pregnancy and birth edition, First Year, Toddler Years and then I think an older one. They are very easy to read, in Q and A format, telling us what we can expect at different stages and what can be seen as an issue requiring further professional assessment. You may have identified something serious very early on, and I hope your assessment has been beneficial, but I honestly think, from what you have said, that this is sibling rivalry. Hitting a sister, or being whiny, aren't indicative of ADHD. You have two wonderful children - they express themselves in different ways to each other and your challenge is to find a way to make connections with them both. I do hope the assessment has gone well for you - I would be interested to hear about the results. By the way, every behaviour has an impact, so it could be that as you get closer to your eldest, your youngest daughter responds too, (perhaps by being less well behaved - argh!) but you can deal with this. Hope this is helpful, Best Wishes, Sarah
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Yvonne Hinckesman says:
11 mar 2011 | 13:04:22
DanielMat wrote: Hi there
I’m a father of 2 wonderful children. Unfortunately, my oldest daughter (5-year-old) is giving us some difficulties. Our younger daughter, who is nearly 4 years old, is an angel. She doesn’t whine, when putted early to bed. She even helps do the dishes, whilst the older one is a bit of a problem child. She won’t listen to anything we have to say, and she acts like we aren’t there. She whines over the littlest things like beans in her dinner (which she, by the way, has eaten before), she hits her sister and can’t keep focus, when we try to learn her something. Her constant wining and hitting on her younger sister, is draining on our energy. We wonder if, we are bad parents – have we done something wrong with our firstborn? Does she have some issues with having a younger sister? Or is she developing some kind of disorder like ADHD? Hi, thank you for your question. In my view your daughter is demonstrating her position in your family. She may be referred to as the 'big sister' and this is her way is to make her mark. Channel her energy and give her praise for even the smallest thing. She will soon hear the words and tone in which you say them. Ask her to do things around the house and most of all give your two daughters little jobs to do together. Accept that she is an individual and that she will behave differently, and that they will attempt tasks differently but each with the same effort. Ask her what she would prefer so that she learns choice. This will develope and be used positively when she needs to choose right from wrong. Yes of course she could feel that 'her nose has been put out of joint' but she will soon learn a new way of behaving, when she feels an equal and not having to vie for attention through unacceptable behavior. She is not naughty, only confused. See the world from her shoes and I'm sure you will have a very happy household, because the younger daughter will be learning too.
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Shaun Thompson says:
11 mar 2011 | 18:42:33
Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} Hi There. I have two grand children, they are 21 months old, they are already attemptingto establish a pecking order, One boy one girl, Georgia is a little dominant,and pushes the lad about, sometimes hits out, she also takes away his toys,these problems are addressed in a mild manner of speech with a firmness.children like baby lions will look at being IN CONTROL and getting the better of it's siblings, If taking to the GPread up on Ritalin, this is basically speed, amphetamine. Melatonin is a greatsubstitute if it comes to it, I also believe EFT can be beneficial. I certainly would not say your bad parentsotherwise why are they so different. I have a friend, his son has Astbergerssyndrome, turret’s, and ADHD, and I can say he is really a handful. Haveyou attempted to communicate with your child and explained that you’re both oftheir mummy and daddy and you love them both, explain what is good and what isbad about the behaviour. Children can be very straight talking, Have you had anytraumas in the family that you think the children do not know about, kids haveears and miss little, they are learning machines and take in lots, remember welearn from out environment, books TV, over heard conversations, school, etc.Stay calm; let them see your calm and not letting them wind you up, as this isyour choice. Shaun DanielMat wrote: Hi there
I’m a father of 2 wonderful children. Unfortunately, my oldest daughter (5-year-old) is giving us some difficulties. Our younger daughter, who is nearly 4 years old, is an angel. She doesn’t whine, when putted early to bed. She even helps do the dishes, whilst the older one is a bit of a problem child. She won’t listen to anything we have to say, and she acts like we aren’t there. She whines over the littlest things like beans in her dinner (which she, by the way, has eaten before), she hits her sister and can’t keep focus, when we try to learn her something. Her constant wining and hitting on her younger sister, is draining on our energy. We wonder if, we are bad parents – have we done something wrong with our firstborn? Does she have some issues with having a younger sister? Or is she developing some kind of disorder like ADHD?
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pido says:
4 feb 2012 | 06:53:52
Sometime problem child results to troubled teen. Because they doesn't care so much about the negative that the positive outweighs this and that taking risks often lead to getting things we want, a problem child isn't seeking to get attention of any sort so much as get emotional stimulation of any sort. edited by pido on 04-02-2012
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