Grief is a natural, though painful, part of healing after the loss of a loved one. Mourning, the rituals and actions specific to an individual’s religion and culture that express grief and loss, can be a part of the grieving process. Grieving is a process that lasts beyond the funeral of a loved one: it is the process of emotionally responding to a loss and learning how to cope with that loss. Coping with the loss of a close friend or relative means expressing pain and grief, receiving support and love, and learning to live again in a healthy manner.
Types of Loss
Strong feelings of loss are associated with the death of a spouse or romantic partner, a parent, a child, a sibling, a relative, a close friend, a colleague, or classmate. The type of grief experienced also depends on a person’s state in life. A young child who loses a parent will experience a different type of grief from an adult who loses an elderly parent, just as a parent will react differently to the loss of an infant and the loss of an adult child. Many people experience grief that is not associated with the death of a loved one. When a person or his loved one faces a long or difficult illness, he may feel anticipatory grief at the pain of illness, the loss of health, the loss of ability to participate in regular life activities, and at the possibility of death. Pet owners also experience grief at the death of a beloved pet. People who have lost a job, lost a home, graduated from school, divorced or experienced the breakup of a romantic relationship, or lost some physical ability through illness, injury, or age also experience feelings of grief. The manner in which a person experiences a loss or death can also impact the type of grief they experience. Sudden losses, such as violent deaths due to crime or accidents, often leave people unsettled at the unpredictability of life. There was no time to anticipate and prepare for the loss, which can necessitate a period of adjustment to the idea of loss before the grieving process itself can begin. Predictable losses, such as deaths due to protracted illness, can allow people to prepare themselves and begin the mourning process.
Is This Normal?
The grieving process differs from person to person. There is no one “normal” way to grieve. Even after a person feels he has finished the grieving process, certain experiences (such as birthdays and holidays), things (a loved one’s picture or mementos), or places (favorite or memorable locations) can trigger feelings of grief. While feelings of grief are different for each person, there are some common reactions to a difficult loss. You may feel sad, depressed, anxious, nervous, fearful, guilty, remorseful, ambivalent, numb, frustrated, or misunderstood. You may feel angry at yourself, at the loved one you lost for leaving you, at others, and at God or the universe. Feelings of needing to escape (one’s house, one’s life, the feelings themselves) or of “going crazy” are normal, as are a lack of motivation and energy to fulfill daily tasks or to make long-term plans.
Everyone experiencing grief wants to know when the sad, painful feelings will end, but there is no predictable schedule for grief. Grieving can be a cyclical process: a person may feel better for a while before feelings of grief return. The length of the grieving process is often related to the type of relationship with the deceased, the suddenness and circumstances surrounding their death, and your own state in life and previous experiences with pain and loss. Many people follow the stages of grieving listed below as they move toward healing.
Stages of Grief
- Denial. Denial may manifest as shock, numbness, and disbelief, which can alternate with intense periods of distress. People withdraw from loved ones and feel isolated. This stage may last from hours to weeks.
- Anger. People may experience anger as they confront the loss they have experienced and the ways their lives will change to accommodate the loss. Many people feel disorganized, distracted, withdrawn, restless and anxious, sad, and depressed. Some people may dream of their loved one and even see them or hear their voice. Difficulty sleeping, weakness, tiredness, and weight loss may also occur. Some people may feel angry at themselves and think of real or imagined mistakes they made in dealing with the deceased and may also experience feelings of guilt. Many people search for a reason for the loss and some may envy or be angry at others who have not experienced a similar loss. Some may be angry at the person who died for leaving them alone, at the world, or at God for allowing the death. This stage may last from weeks to months.
- Bargaining. The bereaved may begin to make bargains with God, a higher power, or the universe to bring back the deceased, to make the loss “just a bad dream”, or to make the pain go away. Fantasies of alternative pasts that explore the “what ifs” and “if onlys” of the illness, accident, or other circumstances surrounding the loved one’s death. This bargaining may be accompanied by feelings of guilt, even if it is unwarranted.
- Depression. After exhausting anger and realizing that the grief will not go away despite any number of bargains, the bereaved turns his attention to the present reality of loss. Numbness may return, along with periods of distress and anger. Facing life without the presence of a loved one can provoke hopelessness and sadness. This stage may last from weeks to months.
- Acceptance. The bereaved accepts the permanence and reality of the loss, even if he will never like this new reality. The bereaved begins to rebuild his life and in time to enjoy life again.
Caring for Yourself
The grieving process is a normal, healthy way to cope with a loss. The pain, anger, and depression are normal reactions to the loss of a loved one and it is important to allow yourself to feel these emotions and to express them. It is important to take care of yourself while you heal from your loss and move through the stages of grief. Talking with friends and family and seeking their support can help. Ask for help from friends, neighbors, and relatives: most people want to help but often do not know how or what to do. Reading books or poetry, about loss and grieving or “light reading” to distract yourself from feelings of sadness, can also be helpful. Engaging in your normal social activities and seeking out new ones will help keep you connected to your life, even if for a while you feel as if you are only going through the motions of social activity. Exercise and a healthy diet, writing in a journal, relaxation activities, time in nature, and music can life your mood or bring feelings of peace and well-being. Talking with a counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist, a support group, or spiritual leader can help you talk through your feelings with someone who understands the grieving process. Seek out activities that can help you through the grieving process and avoid those, such as alcohol or drug use or isolating yourself from family and friends, that can hurt you.
- Stages of Grief: An outline of the five stages of grief, with examples and explanations.
- Three Stages of Grief: An alternate view of the three stages of grief experienced by those mourning the death of a loved one.
- Healing: Normal grief reactions, ways of coping with grief, and a list of recommended print resources to help cope with the loss of a loved one.
- Coping with Loss: This site gives strategies of coping with anticipatory grief—for those facing a life-threatening illness—and the phases of grief after a loss. Also includes a section on children and grief.
- Coping with Reminders: How to deal with reminders of a deceased loved one.
- Mourning a Loss: Information on coping with bereavement. Includes further information and resources on support groups and hot lines.
- Grief Resources: A list of support and counseling resources for the bereaved. Includes organizations dedicated to supporting children, friends, spouses, and parents. Also includes organizations dedicated to the surviving spouses, children, siblings, and parents of suicide victims and soldiers killed in combat.
- Taking Care of Yourself: Resources for coping with the symptoms of grief and taking care of yourself after the loss of a loved one.
- Teens and Grief: Resources, testimonials, and help for teenagers dealing with the loss of a loved one.
- Coping with Grief: Help for coping with grief and loss and resources for helping children and others.